Hey look! New stuff! I only remembered I had this blog a few days ago, when I read a series of questions and answers that I'd written. I'm now going to post some of them. I think they're damn hilarious.

Here are two of them:

“How did 7-UP get its name?”

Researchers in 1920 St. Louis were attempting to create a mixture of Uranium and Phosphorous (among other things) that would be used primarily to patch holes in drywall, which was in its early life at the time. After six failed attempts, the researchers’ latest of shipment was accidentally swapped with lemon-lime flavoring. Sick from prolonged exposure to radiation, they didn’t notice the difference, despite its extreme obviousness.

They imbibed the new mixture, being the style at the time (and a reason they’d taken leave of their senses to illness), and proclaimed it much tastier than previous iterations.

Not having the connections to sell it on a mass basis, they sold the recipe, then called U-P-7 to a local businessman. The name was later changed to the more memorable one.

“What’s the difference between regular and fancy ketchup?”

Since ketchup became widely produced and distributed in the 1870’s, it has been a favorite among all types of people. However, well-to-do upper-crusters in 1940’s New York felt that ketchup, while delicious, was beneath them. It struck them as something the common folk would like (which they did) and that fact offended the upper class’s delicate sensibilities.

This presented a problem, since giving up ketchup wasn’t an alternative they were willing to consider, but eating the food of the Plebeians just wasn’t done. Millions of dollars were thrown at this problem, hoping an answer would present itself, which it, after enough money was wasted on it, eventually did.

A local start-up business cashed in on this windfall by promising the best and most expensive ketchup the bourgeois had ever seen. Their tomatoes would be grown only in the finest dirt money could buy, then be harvested not by mere people (who were filthy and unkempt), but by sentient machines that were powered by sacks of diamonds. They would then be flown by helicopter, one crate at a time, to a factory constructed on top of an active volcano and processed with machinery made entirely out of gold and platinum. Gold flakes would be added to, and then removed from, the ketchup, as would precious gemstones. The finished ketchup would be bottled in jars made on a special automated plant on the Moon, and then shipped to wealthy estates via jet.

None of this actually changed the taste of the ketchup, but it did make it ludicrously and prohibitively expensive, so only the top 3% of people could afford it, and thusly, the problem was solved.

This “fancy” ketchup was sold for a few decades before someone realized that they could call their own, run-of-the-mill ketchup “fancy” as well. The fancy ketchup you’re likely to eat in a fast food place now probably wasn’t harvested by diamond-powered robots. That ketchup is now called “swank” ketchup. You probably haven’t heard of it because you don’t own an industry-leading corporation.

Over-Apologizing

The biggest problem facing society nowadays, and I'm not talking about financial or security stuff, is the rise of the Entitlement Whore (EW). I didn't make up that phrase. I got from the people here. An EW is someone who thinks the world owes them everything, that their stupid demands should always be met, and cannot handle the slightest grievance like an adult.

I believe it started when 100% Customer Satisfaction became a thing. The whole "The customer's always right" mindset, which is complete and utter BS. The customer is not always usually wrong, but has no concept of how stores are run, what back rooms actually contain, or who is at fault (which is often no one), not to mention the wildly unreasonable demands they have as assumptions.

I could talk about that at length. But I won't, today. It's just a necessary backdrop to my main topic: Overdone Apologies.

Let's say I go to a restaurant. I order a chilled yak's blood latte, and it comes out differently than how I ordered it. I'm sure the waiter(ess) will fall over themselves letting you know how incredibly sorry they are. "I'm SO, SO sorry, sir. SO sorry. I'll get that fixed immediately. I apologize for the state of your drink, sir, and I'll personally get it fixed right now, just as soon as I continue to apologize to you for another 2-3 minutes. Did I mention how utterly sorry I was? I'm finding that the English language is lacking words for me to express my sorryness at this small situation here. I'm feeling as close to 100% pure sorrow as any human in the world has ever felt. I'm SO..." Etc.

So someone messed up. Maybe they used goat's blood instead (a common occurrence). A "whoops, I'll get the right thing," from the server would suffice. For me, at least. All I want is the correct blood in my latte. I don't want to hear how sorry you are. It's not even necessary. No one - especially not the server who didn't even make the thing - purposefully spiked my drink with bottom-shelf goat's blood. It's totally fine, just bring me the correct drink.

But these people serve customers that will totally blow their top if their blood latte comes out a little on the warm side. EW's are not able to react to things in a calm manner. They believe it their right to live a life free of inconvenience, and thusly, explode like a caffeinated hippo-infant throwing the tantrum of its life.

Because of this ridiculously common event, service people need to fall over themselves apologizing. They must let you know how COMPLETELY AND TRULY SORRY they are that you were mildly inconvenienced.

If they don't? The EW will get them fired, because destroying someone's livelihood over a small mistake is totally reasonable.

Doubt

There's something terribly wrong with me, all the time. It's not something I can see or feel, but other people can, at least unknowingly. This can happen across the web too, so it's not completely my body language, although that surely is part of it. Maybe people imagine me when reading my emails.

Anything I say is met with either disbelief or questioning. Here are numerous general examples.


Trivia:
 I know a LOT of useless things. Here are some: Rats cannot vomit; they don't have the reflex. Dolphins are the only other animal (besides us) that have recreational sex. A tesseract is a four-dimensional cube. Viking helmets never had horns. The electronegativity of Chlorine is 3.16.
Now, while you were reading that list, I'll bet you questioned me at some point. To the best of my knowledge, those are all true. However, it doesn't matter, because I said them, so you'll question at least some of them.

Orders:
Anything I tell people to do for any reason must first be questioned. It doesn't matter a lick how mundane or unimportant the order is. Let's say I'm moving, and people are helping me. I say, "Hey, Person, take that box out next."
Could said person just take out the damnable box? Hell no, of course. They must first inform me that there are other boxes that could be taken out first. No matter that they're all just full of the same shit. No no, whatever one I suggested is probably the wrong one. Maybe they'll take it out anyway, but first I must be questioned.

Advice:
Now, everyone knows that humans are by and large incapable of taking advice, especially advice they asked for, but this is still very obvious when I give advice. People will say something like, "Hey Apathy, should I eat this plate full of jagged metal shavings?"
"No," I reply.
"I dunno... it looks really good."
"Sure, but it will cut up your throat and you will drown in blood, which I think we can agree would be an unpleasant situation."
BOOM. Shavings, blood, unpleasantness.


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