Rudolph: A terrible story

The Rudolph Christmas story is pretty ubiquitous, but I've never been quite sure what the moral is supposed to be. Maybe it's an ugly duckling thing, where as long as you turn out good looking in the end, it's ok: Rudolph had a freak nose, but it's fine because it was useful.

Anyway, the point I always take away from the story is that the other reindeer are assholes. They taunt Rudolph and won't play with him because he's different than they are. So he's got a red nose. Big deal. But these elitist, douchebag reindeer won't let him in. He's totally alone and has no friends. Where's the moral here?

But then! Oh! Rudolph saves Christmas with his bright freak nose. And you know what happens then? Those shallow, snide, two-faced jerks are all buddy-buddy with him now that he's Santa's favorite. Yeah, they were too good for him before, but now that he's famous, they're more than willing to slime up to him and act like friends. Rudolph needs to tell them where to shove it and find some real friends.

I'd link some pictures with the word "Douches" and some arrows pointing at the other reindeer, but they're probably copyrighted and I wouldn't put it past whoever owns it to come get me.

Signs I Don't Understand

There are a few common signs that I don't really see the point in having.

1) No Trespassing

I'm reasonably certain that trespassing isn't ok anywhere at any time. I don't see signs hanging around that say, "No Theft," "No Racketeering," or "No Telemarketing Fraud." They're not necessary. People either already know not to do those things or don't care that they're illegal.
But Trespassing needs to be posted, because we'll apparently assume it's fine otherwise.

Of course, if you live in the Midwest, what the sign really means is, "I'll shoot you if I see you on my property."


2) "Straight Only" Arrows

 

These serve no purpose except to distract you by making you panic that you're in a turn only lane even though you're not. They are completely useless. The arrows that normally exist are on Turn Only lanes. They serve a good purpose. 

However, I didn't know the Straight Only arrows existed until I almost plowed into a Hummer because I thought I was in the wrong lane. But no, I wasn't! There's just some superfluous arrow telling you things you already know in a fashion of a warning.

That's all I can think of. But I dislike them both fervently. Any suggestions?


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Abusing Power

A well known fact is that the only reason to have power is to abuse it as much as you can. The natural reaction to obtaining power is to use it for personal gain at whatever expense is required.
That being said, there is a curve for the temptation of abuse. Here's a graph, because everyone loves graphs.

If you work in a job where your direct boss isn't present for example, you can take advantage of that situation by slacking off almost constantly and acting like doing work is a giant and unexpected hassle, and that the people asking you to perform your job duties are being rude. You can respond to their questions with anger and disdain. You can ignore their petty requests and chat up your friends in plain sight of the petitioner with total impunity. They probably don't even know who your boss is, so they won't complain. Besides, you're the only one that can answer their questions so they'll need to be nice to you no matter how unfair that is.


A lot of people abuse their power, but none quite so cruelly as the young person that got promoted over the more experienced workers. Here's a comic I wrote and my wife drew (backstory in the FAQ page).

A nineteen year old manager is not something you want. It's not something anyone wants, but it happens. They will demean you, and they will order you around. And there's nothing you can reasonably do and expect to keep your job and stay out of prison. NOTHING. You must endure the shame and despair. But not all is lost! After long enough, shame and despair will seem like old friends. And your pal cognitive dissonance will help you convince yourself that it's not so bad. I mean, other people have it way worse than you. Everything's fine! Hell, maybe it's great!


Even nice and well meaning people can be easily corrupted by power. Even if they don't turn totally evil, they will use their power to "make things better." The stumbling block here is that once they obtain power, they obviously know what's best and have the right ideas. Those ideas will be implemented. Even if there's tons of contradictory evidence that says their ideas are like rancid pig vomit, the power stuffed in their ears and clouding their eyes will prevent this information from reaching them. 
But never fear! Cognitive dissonance will still be there to comfort you!

Smiling With Your Eyes

A smile can mean many things, and a lot of what it means depends on what you're doing with your eyes at the time. I've said this to a few people who didn't really believe me, so as a public service announcement, I've whipped up some illustrations to prove my point. We'll start with happy:

This smile is super happy. It is completely genuine. This smile might be shown in response to a Christmas pony or an ice cream sundae that's as big as Idaho, or a similarly-sized state.

Conversely, there is this smile:

This smile is not happy. This is the displaying of teeth when socially obligated to do so. Notice how the eyes convey insincerity. If you're receiving this smile, it's probably not in earnest, and is likely mocking you inwardly or perhaps outwardly.

Moving on with negative-type smiles, there's this one:

This smile is happy, but not for any reason you're going to like. This smile says, "I'm going to harm you right now, and I'm really going to enjoy it." You don't want to receive this smile.

On the other side:

This smile is also not an honest smile. This one comes out when harm is on its way, like on the receiving end of the previous face. Or, in a lesser sense, this one can mean something along the lines of, "I'd actually hate to do that thing you're suggesting, but I'm pretty much hosed and have to anyway."

And finally, there's this:

This face is also honestly happy. It is displayed in response to a pleasing offer, either for sexytimes, or some sort of extreme challenge, like riding an elephant over a gorge.

I hope this has been helpful.

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Interpersonal Interaction

I don't care for talking to people when I'm out and about, so, over the years, I've cultivated an aura of "Don't Talk To Me." This is achieved through an emotionless, laconic manner in general, combined with active and obvious attempts to avoid direct eye contact.

This is most useful when walking through a Sam's Club on the weekends when there's a million sample stands. I just want to get what I came for, pay for those things, and leave. I don't want anything to hold me up from those simple tasks.

But no, I'm a dumbass and I went on a Friday or something stupid like that, so there's a plethora of cheery people trying desperately to initiate eye contact so they can peddle their greasy wares.

I am not interested in their greasy wares. I'm interested in buying my canned chicken and bulk salsa so I can get back to my Xbox.

This is when looking like an angry, brooding loner comes in handy. This is what I try and appear to be in public at all times:

On a side note, this is my first attempt with Paintbrush. I think it turned out well.

However

This mostly works for me. But there are times, rare times, when I want to act friendly to someone. Perhaps the cashier was super nice to the person in front of me, so maybe I'll just smile and say hello like a normal person for once.

However, I still look like the above picture, so this cashier, who was super friendly with the person right in front of me, will totally shut down and barely acknowledge that they're ringing up things for me. And I know they're friendly. I totally saw it.

So I feel bad. Am I also not deserving  of friendliness?

But I go home and that poor humor wears off almost immediately.
And because I thought it'd be funny, here's a picture of me frolicking with my Xbox in a field that has at least four flowers in it.

Swearing = Assertive

It's a well known fact that assertiveness is a desirable trait in potential employees. But how can you make people think you're assertive, even if you're not naturally? The answer is easy: swearing.

Most people are offended by foul language. But if you're some high-powered businessperson and you're looking to hire some go-getters, you need a simple measure of how assertive and "proactive" they are. The obvious choice? How much they swear. Only assertive, forceful people would swear in a business setting.

As a public service, I'm providing below a sample cover letter that would not only get you hired to almost any job, but get you hired at at least double, if not triple or more, the basic salary. The swears will be "asterisk'd," because I'm not really sure about blogspot's stance on rampant swearing and I'm not going to chance it.

Apathy
29376 Assertiveness Drive
Confidencetown, XV

SomeCorp
9347 Business Lane
Borington, OM

Octember 8th, 3029

F*ck yeah, motherf*ckers,

Sh*t. I'm Apathy. I'm not going to bother talking about any f*cking certifications I have, because I don't need to. I'm applying for -insert job-, so you can throw all the other piece of sh*t resumes in the garbage.

F*ck.

You can contact me by email only. DO NOT CALL ME. I hate phones. Thank you for hiring me. I'll need at least double base pay and 16 weeks vacation a year.

Sh*t,

     - Apathy

Other Appropriate Times For Swearing

Any time you clap for anything, at an opera for example, swearing is the next step up for showing your appreciation. Clapping is good, but clapping while yelling, "Sh*t a$$ f*ck balls sh*t hell that was awesome!" lets the people know you really liked what you saw.
This applies to literally any clapping situation, like at the symphony, a formal lecture, or a child's ballet recital.

Creating Your Own Swears

Swearing is an art form, just like any other rhetorical craft. And so, you need not be limited by existing swears. Almost anything can become a swear if uttered vehemently enough and in the right context. Also, combining existing swears is an excellent way for the novice swearer to be more creative. Instead of saying, "That was a f*cking good movie," one could say, "That was a f*ck-a$$ing, horse-flaming sh*t-hell of a movie!" Your friends will be impressed at your vastly growing lexicon of swears, and you'll be the toast of the town.
Or, instead of saying, "I really liked the pancakes this morning, Mom," you could say, "F*ck! Those pancakes beat the sh*t out of every other damn-hell-a$$ pancakes ever, Mom!" She will be pleased that you enjoyed the breakfast so much, and that you thought to compliment her so forcefully.

As a side note, if you all would like to swear in the comments, I'd be nothing but a hypocrite if I asked you not to, but at least censor them lightly as I have.

Why Self-Check Machines Are Great

The self check machines in grocery stores are one of the best inventions ever. I know a lot of people dislike them, but the fact is that they're awesome.

The first and foremost reason is that they don't involve interacting with another human being, which, if you read my last post, you'll understand is an objectionable task for me. I enjoy the cold comforts of automated phone systems and humanless grocery-purchasing.

The second reason I like them is that they're faster. In the standard lanes, I'll get stuck standing behind A) someone doing the shopping for a household and has a cart overflowing with crap that will take up three belt's worth of space B) The Coupon Queen (not always a woman) who insists their expired and/or irrelevant coupons are valid and will not take no for an answer or C) someone on WIC who doesn't understand that Kraft singles are "cheese food" and don't count as real cheese and loudly debates said fact with the wretched cashier who knows better.

In the self check lane, I can scan my own small amount of items and shove them into a bag in the time it would have taken me to look over the tabloids and get worked into a boiling rage over how stupid humanity is.

The  number one reason that the self checks are great, however, is for when you need to buy embarrassing products and don't feel like showing them to strangers. Here's an example:
We had moved into our new house a few months ago and the washing machine wasn't in yet and wouldn't be for a few more days. However, I was out of clean underpants.
Going to a laundromat is also an objectionable task, so I chose the sensible option of buying more. So I went to the Meijer (for those outside the Midwest, it's like Walmart or Target). While I was there, I realized I also needed more Pepto Bismol, as I get heartburn often and was out.
I was merrily on my way to the check lanes when I realized what sort of mental image this might conjure for anyone else.

If I'd been forced to go through a checkout lane, I would have invariably been helped by an attractive, age-similar woman who would kindly, but futilely, try and hide her giggles when I handed her my things. I would blush fervently and try to avoid eye contact while simultaneously trying to look like I wasn't the least bit embarrassed by this. I might even blabber out some joke about the situation which would have sounded good in my head, but as it left my lips, I'd have realized it was much less clever than I had imagined and would only have cemented the idea that I'm buying these things not by chance, but in response to an unanticipated bout of explosive diarrhea.
I would quickly but awkwardly pay for my purchases and leave, head held in shame, so I can go home and replay the entire depraved situation in my mind over and over again.
This would also have the added bonus of making me too ashamed to go to that store ever again on the off chance that the cashier would see me and recognize me as the Underwear/Pepto Guy. I'd be driving across town for a wildly less convenient but potentially less embarrassing store.

But no! That didn't need to happen! The cold, inanimate self-check and its feminine yet lifeless voice circumvented this atrocity and passed no judgement on me. I walked out of the store, my antacid and underwear firmly in hand (in an mostly opaque bag).

Living as an Introvert, Part One

I've often wondered what it's like to be an extrovert, strutting about life bold as you like, brazenly displaying your teeth and proclaiming audible utterances to other humans with casual disregard to the entire situation.

 Must be nice.

Then there's the low-grade misery that life becomes when you're an introvert. All the little tasks in life are made worse by a constant, nagging anxiety and pervasive fear that everyone will see you as the fool you are. Even the most mundane of tasks become completely intolerable.

The phone is one of my personal nemeses.

 Nothing about the phone is appealing. It might lure you in with siren calls of anonymity and the option of not personally interacting with people, but all it really presents you with is a disembodied voice with no comforting context or distractions and a quick, vicious tendency to judge and belittle you, made all that more poignant because you're sitting in the "safe" surroundings of the familiar.

I fumble around ordering takeout, despite having the menu directly in front of my face with my pre-chosen selections clearly marked and the pronunciations of said items worked out in my head. Still, I fail.
When I call a company to "check in" on a resume I've submitted (an unequivocally stupid process), I've no idea what to say. It usually comes out as, "Hi. I submitted a resume. Now I'm required to call to let you know I didn't do that by mistake. This is that call. It's your turn to talk now." Seriously, what am I supposed to say? I'm just calling to call, and we both know it.
I would never have a job that involved cold-calling people. I'd move back in with my parents before that, and I'm pretty convinced that I'd be homeless first, too.

Where to sit in a classroom was another problem that plagued my days of college.

Upon entering any classroom, I would immediately size up the seating situation. There are clear zones with positive and negative attributes (see diagram below). I'm assuming a normal, rectangular room here.

 Zone A is the worst possible place, of course. At the front, you're not only face to face with someone who might talk directly to you, but you're perceived as wanting such things by being there. Also, everyone can see you, but you cannot see them. This zone is unacceptable at all times. The only time you would actually sit here is when arriving to a class late (horrible enough anyway) and the only options are to quickly sit in the front, or climb over people for a more desirable seat further back, while everyone waits and watches.
Zones B, the sides - but not in the front or back row - are the best possible introverted zones. You have the cold comfort of the inanimate wall beside you, less people around you, and are rarely a priority target for instructors.
Zone C, the entire middle, is somewhat of a balanced place. It's awful in that you're surrounded by people with whom you might inadvertently make eye contact or that might initiate a quiet conversation or inquiry, but you're also lost in a sea of people and your chances of being called upon are low.
Zone D is a gamble. The back of the room is the knee-jerk place for introverts to sit, and a lot of times this is the best place, far away from the front, with one or possibly two walls for comfort. However, this can sometimes, with sadistic instructors, turn into a front row situation. Some people are unfamiliar with the mindset of the introvert and are personally offended by our lack of speech. Unable to let this aberrant behavior slide, they will mercilessly call on the back row, whom they know sat there because they didn't want to answer questions in front of a group. Jerks.

Any room situation can be processed by the introverted mind instantaneously, because pausing at the door and thinking about where to sit appears foolish, which is, of course, the worst thing ever. We must walk unflinchingly into rooms and choose seats quickly and as if we gave it little thought. Because that's what everyone does, right? If only.