Swearing = Assertive

It's a well known fact that assertiveness is a desirable trait in potential employees. But how can you make people think you're assertive, even if you're not naturally? The answer is easy: swearing.

Most people are offended by foul language. But if you're some high-powered businessperson and you're looking to hire some go-getters, you need a simple measure of how assertive and "proactive" they are. The obvious choice? How much they swear. Only assertive, forceful people would swear in a business setting.

As a public service, I'm providing below a sample cover letter that would not only get you hired to almost any job, but get you hired at at least double, if not triple or more, the basic salary. The swears will be "asterisk'd," because I'm not really sure about blogspot's stance on rampant swearing and I'm not going to chance it.

Apathy
29376 Assertiveness Drive
Confidencetown, XV

SomeCorp
9347 Business Lane
Borington, OM

Octember 8th, 3029

F*ck yeah, motherf*ckers,

Sh*t. I'm Apathy. I'm not going to bother talking about any f*cking certifications I have, because I don't need to. I'm applying for -insert job-, so you can throw all the other piece of sh*t resumes in the garbage.

F*ck.

You can contact me by email only. DO NOT CALL ME. I hate phones. Thank you for hiring me. I'll need at least double base pay and 16 weeks vacation a year.

Sh*t,

     - Apathy

Other Appropriate Times For Swearing

Any time you clap for anything, at an opera for example, swearing is the next step up for showing your appreciation. Clapping is good, but clapping while yelling, "Sh*t a$$ f*ck balls sh*t hell that was awesome!" lets the people know you really liked what you saw.
This applies to literally any clapping situation, like at the symphony, a formal lecture, or a child's ballet recital.

Creating Your Own Swears

Swearing is an art form, just like any other rhetorical craft. And so, you need not be limited by existing swears. Almost anything can become a swear if uttered vehemently enough and in the right context. Also, combining existing swears is an excellent way for the novice swearer to be more creative. Instead of saying, "That was a f*cking good movie," one could say, "That was a f*ck-a$$ing, horse-flaming sh*t-hell of a movie!" Your friends will be impressed at your vastly growing lexicon of swears, and you'll be the toast of the town.
Or, instead of saying, "I really liked the pancakes this morning, Mom," you could say, "F*ck! Those pancakes beat the sh*t out of every other damn-hell-a$$ pancakes ever, Mom!" She will be pleased that you enjoyed the breakfast so much, and that you thought to compliment her so forcefully.

As a side note, if you all would like to swear in the comments, I'd be nothing but a hypocrite if I asked you not to, but at least censor them lightly as I have.